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Friday, January 12, 2007

Things were brought to a standstill momentarily. I was bloody afraid that I'm gonna have to go through 2002 once again. Gosh, how could such shit happen AGAIN man??? I had prayed real hard for betterment, but look where I've landed myself? Major shithole. And I hate having to "double" up most of the times.

There's this girl in class whom everybody don't seems to click with for whatever reasons. It's just that whenever I look at her, I'm reminded of what I was back then. It's strange how I could coincide with the same kinda situation, only this time round, I'm placed in another entity. Some kind of a sign? I know what it's like to be left all alone. Or to let myself be all alone.

To have found a seat in the canteen, sat there all alone, only to have a whole bunch of people coming up to you and asking if anyone else is occupying the seats. And when they sit with you, all you ever do is to look on longingly at sucha close relationship each and everyone of them have with one another. Then you wonder why you are all alone, when really, you could just open up and talk to anybody from your class and just join their clique. Be a part of the group. Not apart. No matter how much you convince yourself that they won't shun you away, you are always left with the most disturbing thoughts that you can't fit in. It's that notion of fear and self-consciousness (for me, it was because I was so FAT, I though most people found it unacceptable) that kept bugging you endlessly. But why???? It's something I've never really figured out.

Mind you, there are still remnants of me from the past that's still lurking around somewhere. You do realize I can't easily start a conversation with people whom I've just met, those I got to know on a hi/bye basis and so on. Talking, to me, is like trying to see how long I can survive under water. It's a major hindrance for me. And it gets even more upsetting when people gets turned off after "discovering" my quiet-ness, lack of communication and whatnot. Most of the time, I don't think I can fit in. And most of the time too, in order to save myself from much heartbreak of being turned away, I'd rather be left alone.

Now, this situation is something I can possibly relate to that girl in my class. Maybe she has some other problems to deal with. Maybe she's born that way. Still, I can't help feeling guilty. It's not like I wanna be filled to the brim with sympathy or even ignorance for her. Trust me, it's not really nice. I'd know. It's the fact that I'm seeing what I was back then in her and yet, I can't really do anything. Am I a hypocrite or what??? How is it that I could hate myself so much for not being able to interact well, hate my inability and "handicapped-ness". The kind of shit I hadta go through. YET, I have all the bloody nerves to talk bad about the her and pretend that I'm one of the most bloody perfect human being to live on this earth. Yes, I'm a bloody HYPOCRITE. Screw that. And I've a low threshold for guilt. Now please tell me what should I do.


Drifted Away @ 11:12 PM