Sunday, February 04, 2007

It's so freaky coz I dreamt about someone explaning INFLATION to me. Just depends whether I wanna internalize the info or not for now. Then again, if I were to fully digest ALL of my dreams, I'd lose all my sanity by now. Hah. And who the hell explained the whole concept to me?! It sure wasn't any of my econs teachers, not even my friends.

I'm going through yet another "phase". I thought I'm way over it. Somehow, all it takes is for me to be on my own, and all hell will break lose. It sucks when I keep thinking about the "superiority" of everything at the expense of my pride.

Anyway, the trip to ECP with my father yesterday was refreshing. I had wanted to do that during the holz but it didn't came about. And now I'm not gonna have much opportunities to do it with sastera and religious class taking up my saturday and sunday mornings respectively. Anyhow, it was calming to be able to walk through the length of the park with music in my ears. Yes, I realize I don't get the calming effect outta nature on its own. I'd still need music in my ears. However, I kinda noticed something different about the sea. It used to be open and accepting. But now, there's something different about it which I can't really explain. All in its negative sense. And the sky is still hanging low. Maybe it's just me.

I do think I'm immune to all sorts of "abuse" that I can't really diffrentiate between what is good and what is bad for me. My impression of people has always been cold. Don't bother having me as the first one to strike a conversation, much less to say 'hi'. It's not like I hate anybody. It's just second nature for me to hold everything back. I guess that has led to people in having a wrong impression on me. I can't change that neither can I ever help it. I'm hopeless. No matter how hard I try. And I usually can't pull back whatever I say. My bloody ego, it's killing me.

Obviously this is the aftermath for constantly submitting myself to "nature's wrath". I feel stupid most of the time. Totally out of place. Why can't I ever forgive and forget? Why do I love to highlight every single shortcomings of mine. Worse part is, whatever I wish to reflect here, will never be reflected on me in real life. It doesn' make sense right?