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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Point is, having a blog and knowing that a handful of people you know read it, makes things a little bit uncomfortable. For me that is. I have really stopped making worthy entries ya know. And what if somebody I know figures out that this blog belongs to ME?

Whatever. A levels is coming up in about a hundred-something days. I am sure as hell freaked out about it. Time has passed so fast, I'm clearly gonna make my entry to the real world soon enough. It's not something I'm looking forward to, trust me. Coz the thing is, I'd just wanna get married, have kids and become a housewife. Yeah, housewife. Just so I can play catching and bake cookies with my kids. Haha. Reality check, I've NEVER had a boyfriend. Getting into spinsterhood is the likeliest grand finale for me. Yikes!

Ok, so A levels is coming like real soon. The dream is to get AAB and an A for GP. The reality being, I am far from being able to even pass all my subjects. I'm worried of course. This is not O-levels after all. Where I can just goof around and left proper studying to the very last minute and manage to breeze through the exam still. Argh.

It does not help that my attention span has long been deteriorating. I get distracted way too easily and having my picture-perfect dreams getting into my head constantly totally blinds me from getting myself back onto the ground. It's ironic, when all that I'm thinking about are for the sake of my future, yet these same thoughs are gonna crumble my life for good should I get too carried away. Damn.

Tell me how do I live my dreams? I have a whole lot of them flowing through my head like blood though the vessels to make me survive this life. Yes, those dreams are meant for survival. Picturesque fantasy accumulate through many years of emotional turmoil. Right, this may sound dramatic. But I never said I love my life BEFORE.

The past are something I wanna let go, but it keep haunting me still. I don't wanna blame human nature being the glaring aspects of a human life leading to my weakness in submitting to those stronger than me back then and now, deluding myself thinking that I can get over it. I understand it makes a part of my life. Hence, the inevitable somehow make me hate life so much and at the same time drills me to understand that it makes up the life I'm breathing for.

I mean, I have learnt from all of my past mistakes. Those mistakes made me wanna dream for a better tomorrow. But this mistakes brings out the evil in me at times. Made me think that life's unfair and coz of that I'd have the ungodly notion of wanting to give up altogether.

I wanna work my way around my weaknesses. The upcoming exam is gonna be testament for my ability to prove myself that I can achieve what I set my mind for and subsequently fulfill my dreams. I yearn to give myself something I could be proud of for a long time. I know I can do it. I am positive that if I pay attention to my academics in schools and diligently revise my work, I am definitely gonna make it through A levels smoothly.

I wanna go NUS. I hate knowing the fact that competition is gonna be tough to enter into that university. I don't wanna have to blame it all on happenstance. Or other ill factors. I wanna be the one convincing myself that I can get myself into NUS. Mostly on my own account. And for the remaining part of it, I'll leave it to Allah to decide my destiny.

I want this so bad nothing can stop me. Other than the strength of the supreme power which I don't wish to challenge. Other than pray every single day that He gives me faith and grant His blessings for me to go through this period of time.


Drifted Away @ 10:00 PM