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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Seriously, it was so much more easier being an anti-social and having others pick on you. Coz if you decide to hate whoever it is that make you feel like crap, you can carry it all out, full blown. It is however sickening to be treated the exact same way, but the difference being, this group of people are actually your friends. How do you try to break even without having a whole load of guilt-trippers climbing all over you? Or worse still, what if they gang up against you?

Fuck this dumpy feeling I gotta go through. I though that being alone (as in alone, loner) was the most unbearable situation for me to ever get myself caught up in. But apparently, having friends does not make much of a difference either. Fact being, I can gain as many friends as I want but another fact remains, I'm never ever gonna be able to gain even an inch of respect from anyone.

Why do I end up the weakest link of every possible situations? It does not matter if it involves friends or even a whole bunch of strangers. I am always at the losing end. It's like everybody can get their way all the time. All they gotta do is to make their stand and everybodyelse will bow down at their feet with much due respect and subsequently let them have their way. I'd try to make a stand, like maybe going against someone's proposition and I will always get myself screwed. They will most likely say a whole bunch of crappy things which will make me look like a fool or they will gang up with one another and start talking behind my back. Fuck fuck fuck.

I've had enough of all this ok. If being alone (loner) serves me a lifetime of seclusion, I'd rather remain that way. For emotional connection and everything that deals with much human interactions does not relieve me off any form of burden I've had to go through back then. And it does not help when I'm at the most compromising position most of the time. And at the lowest rung at it. So why bother anymore right?

The issue is really not about me having to stand upfront and explain to people words that I can't even form up on the spot. Yeah, they say it'll be good if I wanna build up on my confidence. But how far can my confidence soar when people keep trampling all over my head? I hate being pushed around. I hate having to be giving when I do have the rights to at least say no. So what? In order to fulfil everybodyelse's demands, I gotta make a kind of sacrifice. Yeahhh, like making myself look like a fool aint much of a scarifice in itself. And even then, I will still be pushed around again.

Like a prostitute having to give in to the wrath of every male's sexual fantasy and then losing all her pride and dignity. Fuck you all, coz I'm not one. Nonetheless, I give and I have to lose everything. Roaming around all alone and being utterly friendless is probably a lifestyle befitting of my lack of personality and depressing profile. Friends come and go. I'm gonna keep that in mind from now on. I don't wanna feel hurt again. Go to hell.


Drifted Away @ 8:41 PM