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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I'm going beyond 80kg already and it's driving me nuts. I have stopped all my fitness regime. I'm eating tons of junkfood. And having easy money at my disposal makes it even more tougher for me to get things in order.

Surely my life has been going downhill. I lost control of my studies and I lost control of my weight. The one and only good thing that I gained out of life at this point in time is a whole bunch of wonderful friends. Though at quite a hefty cost at it.

Don't get me wrong. I do not regret getting these bunch of friends. But I realized that I get easily influenced by others. At that, it makes me wanna go back to being a loner. And yes, I'm touching about the same topic that I've talked about. Only this one goes around another set of arguments.

Now that I've recalled, the only reason why I was able to focus on the tasks I was given was because I didn't depend on second opinion. It used to be me, myself and I.

That explains how I managed to get through my exams and how I was able to set my mind to lose over thirty kilos. Darn simple, when you are always alone, you do things your way, you do not submit to every forces of influence from others. In other words, it was so much easier to say NO. So much easier to set your own rules.

With that said, my weakness lies in me not being able to discipline myself once a whole bunch of externalities sets in.

I'm dumb. Totally dumb.

Call me unappreciative for when I question how worthwhile it is to have friends when I can't seems to get my life on track.

Unappreciative, selfish....I am probably full of myself.

But I love those friends I've made. Really, it was only post secondary did I really find out what it was like to have friends. Like a whole bunch of them. Coz before that, I could practically count the number of friends I have had with just one hand. And it sure beats having to go back home alone, sitting at the canteen alone. I am truly grateful of what I have now.

And then it just have to bog me down time and again when I think back at the things I gotta let go. Well something's gotta give. So everybody says. And if I am to choose, between friends and personal success...I can't quite decide. It's like I'd rather go for the latter. Coz like I've said, friends come and go.

So why do I feel horrible when that thought keeps lurking in my brain?

I feel guilty, hypocritical, helpless...


Drifted Away @ 11:41 PM