Sunday, October 07, 2007
Lazy days lazy festivities. Final week through fasting month and my attitude took a positive turn. As in, I am sort of looking forward to HR when all along I had a whirlwind of random nothings bogging me down. Well, the exams IS bogging me down but that's just understandable. Everythingelse is somehow too confusing for me to comprehend.So I was musing to myself, whether I should seek for help from a speech therapist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. Then it hit me that with the varying options I'm giving myself in seeking for help, I am REALLY in deep trouble. Shucks. The thing is, I am not all that depressed over the circumstances I gotta go through. It's just that with a whole load of crap that is piling up in my system, it is imperative for me to cleanse myself. Funny how things have never been so bright and cheery for me (and trust me coz I'm gonna contradict myself) and yet I am not inclined to resort to extreme behaviours. The thing is, I don't think I'd feel so trapped if only I have the ability to talk things out. I had a one-on-one consultation with my history teacher, and for every question he asked me I could not even afford to muster enough truths. He asked if there are any distractions whilst I'm in the middle of preparing for my exams. Well, the answer is an absolute YES but I didn't dare to say that only because I don't know what exactly is distracting me. Just to avoid some unearthly discussion on what exactly is bugging me and also to save myself from making pathetic statements, I just had to say no. It's better that way I should think. But of course, I'm doing much injustice to myself and hurtling yet another cabin into the never ending train wreck.Tell me that the only way to not land yourself into depression is to TALK. True enough I should say. But I've never really been able to do it. I hear all my friends talk about their problems, telling some teachers about their problems and they seemed to find ease in doing that. I tried to reflect and think, if there had been any occassion where I'd eventually had a heart-to-heart with those I really trust. I came up with nothing. Not even the friends that I'm close to, lets not talk about having an all out convo with any family members. I just can't do it. I can make myself listen to people's problems but I can never share mine. And it's not just problems that I'd rather hide, it's practically everything else that I'm just holding back. God knows why...For that, there has been many instances where I'm labelled as quiet, and maybe even anti-social. Well yeah, I've learnt to get used to it somehow. But sometimes, SOMETIMES, I have to wonder why do the talkers go about in making such quick judgement. I fail to understand them. Like there have been quite a lot of times where I'd chanced upon friendster profiles stating bold and clear that quiet people are not who they are looking for. Alright, point taken and I can understand why. Though only at a supeficial level.It is just human nature, that when you cannot maximize on your strength (in this case, talking), you eventually turn the tables around and pick on other people's weakness (in this case, being quiet) coz you know you have in actual fact failed to expand your "spheres of influence" and that the only way to cover up your loss, you make it seem like as though it is a crime to be quiet. Tell me this is sickening. Tell me human beings can be the most cruel species living on earth. People and their egos.Hah. I don't wanna brood any further.
Drifted Away @ 11:42 AM